


Butter Me Good

by nagito



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 11:23:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7889758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagito/pseuds/nagito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"soulmate au where you live with a butter knife in your hand and it won't leave until you butter the piece of toast in your soulmate's hand"<br/>Hardo has always lived with the stigma of being a butter hand. But will his engagement to McBfeef change this? An exciting tale of love, drama, heartbreak, and more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the journey begins

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this sleep deprived, i am uploading this sleep deprived. credit 4 au goes here https://twitter.com/jisoosweet/status/757033803562881024 i love marchazard

Shimada's first born were always knives. 

This was well known throughout the clan- knife wielders were the bread and butter of the clan, the ones who upheld their legacy as the strongest yakuza clan in all of Japan.  
So when Hanzo Shimada was born, holding a piece of bread in his small ugly baby hands, the clan was in an uproar. The reputation of the clan was besmirched, ruined all by one child. Hanzo's mother weeped, not knowing what the future of her child and clan would be. He was almost immediately executed by butter vat, Augustus Gloop style, but only her begging calmed his father's fury.

Instead, for most of his life Hanzo was hidden from the public eye- kept in his room with only a few trusted tight lipped servants to watch over him. From day to night to dawn again, like a doll he was stored away, almost always alone, nothing but his soul-linked wheat bread to keep him company. It was comforting- no matter how much of the bread he ate, it always came back to him. He soon realized the only one he could ever trust in the clan was his floury companion. His pillsbury doughboy except bread and not anthropomorphic. Like a bread gijinka.

It all changed, however, when Genji was born- clutching a butter knife. The whole clan celebrated in joy, and feasts were held in the baby's honor. His mother held the baby with a joy little had seen since Hanzo's birth, and his father looked at Genji with utter adoration. Hanzo, despite being a small child, remembers feeling bitter.

Once Genji grew older and the differences between their ages became less obvious, Hanzo was given more free reign of the grounds- but was told to pretend to be the second born. To hide his true birth, the real rights he had been given.

As they grew older, the divide between grew only larger. Genji hung out late nights, a known play boy who flippantly buttered any toast he could get his hands on without a care, while Hanzo trained hard to try and please his father- although nothing he ever did worked. In his father's eyes he was just a disgusting bread-hand who almost ruined the entire Shimada Clan. Someone to eventually try and marry off to strengthen relations, to one day have his bread buttered or Nutella'd and then to be hidden away again, for the rest of his life. 

\--

Hanzo knew marriage would come someday for him, but he didn't know it would be so soon.  
A maid opened the sliding door to Hanzo's room and spoke up gently, "Master Hanzo, your father is calling for you."

Hanzo nodded, "I see. I will be right there." As the maid left he wiped the sweat from his face and put away his bow. Archery was extremely difficult one handed, due to the other being preoccupied. Often times he would absolutely mangle the shot and his bread both, and recalled the frustrating times he had in the archery room, covered in crumbs and crying from exhaustion.

Changing into more formal clothing instead of his archery gear, he started to walk to father's chambers. Along the halls were formal portraits of the clan's descendants, holding their knives, often ornate with details of dragons on the silver. Not once did he see a bread holder- not even a glimpse of rye, or a hint of yeast. Even the corridor was shaped like a knife.  
Hanzo knocked gently on the door to the western style room, "Father?" he called. "It is your breaded son, Hanzo." 

He waited a moment that felt like forever, until he heard his father's gruff voice beckoning him in. Closing the door behind him, he looked around and noticed a few foreign men and women he did not recognize, dressed in casual clothing, and one absolutely hideous individual wearing...pig skin? Cow skin? He couldn't tell. It honestly looked like he sewed beef jerky together into clothing and then slathered it in oil to give it a shine.

"Hanzo, sit down and pour our guests some tea," his father commanded. He quickly kneeled and began to serve the distilled margarine, passing the cups around held with his wheat palm to prevent burns. Hanzo pointedly served the weird animal skin guy last.

Sipping on his drink, he wondered why he needed to be here. His father never included him in important business, so perhaps his father had started to notice his hard work! He wondered which incident his father saw, and hoped it was the time he took down the peanut butter thief by smothering him to death with only his crusty buddy (translator's note: his bread hand).

"You are aware of our relations with the Deadlock Gang, yes?" Hanzo snapped to attention. He had been spacing out thinking about how he absolutely, literally killed a guy with only his raisin bran man (translator's note: his bread hand).

"I-," He began, but his father cut him off.

"Of course you don't know you foolish dough child. Bullshit corn bread baby. Do you have cinnabons for brains? Have you not been paying attention to anything in that delicious cream filled head of yours?" Hanzo flinched but kept quiet.

"Now, now Monsieur Shimada, ya'll should hold back on ye scolding of yer son, partner howdy."

"Stay out of this, outsider!" Hanzo snapped. Seriously, what the fuck was that terrible, beef jerky sun roasted man saying. He couldn't even tell what his accent was from. French?

"Hanzo! Is that any way to speak to your husband?"

Hanzo never talked back to his father, but the words came out of his mouth like a dam of melted cheese. "H-husband?!"

"That'sa right, sweethort. We're betrothed, don't let your'a temper get short. We'lla soona be husband and husband, and at our wedding we'll let out doves a thousand." Was he...rhyming? Hanzo ignored it.

"You can't expect me to marry this...demonic British man!"

"Wot in the HELL did you just call m-"

"All of you, QUIET!" Hanzo's father suddenly roared, powerfully, sexily."You're getting married and getting your bread buttered by this cowboy, like it or not."

Hanzo held his face in his hands. It was gonna be a long...rest of his life.

END. CHAPTER. 1.


	2. goblin shimada appears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanx for all the attention on this fic, how do i convert this into internet money. aslo warning for some mild LIME  
> i have a tumblr if you have questions, concerns, requests for hand to hand combat http://beargies.tumblr.com/

http://imgur.com/a/s5Tb7 btw here is a bread and knife hand visual  
\---

Hanzo stormed out of his father's dungeon. It had been the first time in his life he had disrespected his father like that, and it all because of that awful, effervescent, volunteer fireman, shitty, sexy-

Wait, what? Hanzo suddenly stopped his aggressive pacing that made him sound like a light horse. He didn't find Mccree hot. He looked like if you sprayed him with soap and water he'd melt like the witch from The Wizard of Oz, into a greasy puddle of animal fur...with sweet rocking abs. He'd never actually seen Mccree outside of that Jack Link's getup, but he was 100% certain he had a six pack under that rotting animal carcass Mccree carried with him he forget to mention because he was too mad.

  
But no, he couldn't find him sexy. What if he falls in love and Mccree butters his toast and is his soulmate? He'd have to vacuum the floors everyday because McFree would track in dirt everywhere like a pig. A sexy pig.

"No," Hanzo nodded, closing his eyes. "This must be the work of his knife pheremones." All knives and breads were connected to each other by intricate pheremones, composed from their D.N.A, through the gene called Bullshittus Scientus. Atoms connected the knifers and the breaders together, like it or not, it was destiny.

As Hanzo contemplated how to destroy atoms, he heard the sound of Genji ice skating towards him. His father built an entire ice skating track around the compound, despite costing them millions of dollars in upkeep because Genji wanted it, and would otherwise skate anyway on the antique wood floors and absolutely shred it with his blades. He skated everywhere around town, like that too, and his father also had to build an ice skating ring around Hanamura. Hanzo found this fairly reasonable.

"Hey, what's up? You okay buddy? Pal-O? Bread brother?" Fucking Genji. Hanzo hated him. He was pretty much the worst person ever. Genji smiled at him, probably while plotting the best way to ruin his goddamn day even more.

"Leave me alone, I am already suffering, I do not need this absolute waste of space to breathe near me."

"Oh diddly darn, I sure hope you didn't mean that, キュウリ! You should maybe calm down, my best friend ever and favorite brother フクロウ."

"Stop, you know I don't know how to read (Hanzo never learned how to read)". He wished Genji's harassment with these strange symbols would cease.

"Oh whoops, sorry lamb chop! It sorta バスケットcomes out 櫛 on it's 長方形の own! But anyway, I heard you're engaged, congrats! Who's the lucky one?"

"Uh, how do you even know I'm engaged, I walked out of father's room like, 5 minutes ago."

Genji blatantly ignored him, like how one might ignore someone who likes anime. "Don't tell me, it's that チューブ one guy? The one who looks like the personification of a rat? Oh man, he is SO HOT!"

Hanzo couldn't believe his ears. Was Genji already thinking about stealing him? No, no, it couldn't be. Mccree and Genji were both utensil holders, they're biologically incompatible.

"Oh, but don't worry, I'm definitely not gonna have sex with him," Genji yelled nervously, then ice skated away.  
\---  
Hanzo walked into his room and immediately saw Genji and Mccree having sex on his bed.

"Oh whoops! Hey coat hanger, what 失敗した are you doing here?" Genji laughed.

"Not much- are you copulating with some kind of...molerat? Mixed with a bear? On my bed?"

"What! No this 失敗した is McC-...Mc...McCreepy, my friend 失敗した McCreepy." Genji suddenly started sweating like he dipped himself in butter.

"Is thou alrighteth, my sweet ass pony? I notice yer stopped doing the thing, where you-a put yar mouth on me penis, arr?"

No...he recognized that voice! It was...uh...McLasagna? Yea, that was it. "I can't believe you, McRavioli! You're having sex with my brother!"

"Whart! This your brother? He'll told me he was your Aunt's only sibling's son, crikey mate!" Marquee yelled back.

"Genji, you dastard! Resorting to such trickery!"

Genji shrugged. "What can I say, the second I smelled that sweet unwashed pigeon dick I needed it."

"I hate you, you aren't my brother! You have giant feet and below average sized fingernails!" Hanzo stormed out, crying. His tears streamed down like melted butter, liquidy and super gross.

\--  
"Wow," Genji started, "you fucked up McSuper bad."

Marco sighed. "i din't knao sleping w/ his bro wuld hrt him so bad, nya? wut nao?"

"Hm, うんち you should うんちtalk to him honestly and apologize, 笑 and perhaps try to work through his たわごと fears of marriage, and becoming an adult. フラダンス With time, his wounded soul will heal, and perhaps you two may truly カーテンunderstand each other, and butter the toast...of the heart," Genji advice'd.

"Wow, that is a lot of extremely good relationship advice you just gave me, for absolutely no reason at all, out of nowhere. Thanks, you're kind of like a convenient plot device!" MK 47 smiled.

"No problem...my マクドナルド friend."  
\---  
Meningitis rushed out to the courtyard, not even putting on any of his clothes, his bare ass warmed by the sun. He spotted Hanzo shitting out tears in a corner, looking kind of like a majestic waterfall. His bread hand was completely soggy from tears, and looked totally nasty. He'd still eat it tho.

"Honza!" Measles shouted.

"hruhghsghd gghghahgagh" Hanzo responded angrily, still crying hard.

"Aw donut hole, I already god darn messed me up good. Sorry Hanzo, I'll remember your name this time."

"hughadhksdghagdhs ksglakgjslgjksjaljldakjdkl"  
Malnutrition scratched his head and sighed. "Me knows me screwed up real bad, and me promises to fix it. Me wants this marriage to work out, zansu."

Hanzo sniffed, still not completely pleased. "hdfhsahhdh guguguuagua?"

"Yes, I'll stop sleeping with your brother too, GOD." Mononucleosis pouted, causing some of the dirt on his face fall onto the floor.

Wiping his tears, Hanzo stood up straight. "Even though I'm not completely on board yet, let's make this marriage work out, at least for the sake of our clans, Marty."

Micropenis felt a sting in his heart. Just for the sake of the clan? "Uh...sure."

Who knows..what the future holds........................;-)  
END CHAPTER 2...................................TO BE CONTINUED


	3. teen drinkig, is, very bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peach soju tastes like shit. citron soju is ok. mikes hard is god tier

authors note: srry i havent updated in forever BUT IM super drunk rn so this is the perf time to write  
Hanzo laid in bed, unable to sleep. Would he truly be able to live with a stupid ass cowboy shithead? He wasn't sure. But as a breahdolder he was destined to get his ass butered by Mcercree.  
He had a long and aruodius night, he was very sad thinking about how mccree dicked his brother. It was pretty eird, thinking about that and he decided to stopt hinkign aboutt it was it was super weird.   
"hey, schweet cheeks," Mccee called from outside his rroom. It was morning now, i frogot to metnion.   
"shut the fuck up whitey, " hanzo repleid. "you dont konw ANYTHNIGN about anything ever. go die."  
"garsh (imagine this in goofy's voice) harold, thats mighty rude of you."  
"yea? well you existing is being rude to my very fucking being.'  
"ar eyou still pisse dabout me fuckign your btoerh?? its NOT a BIG DEAL. god. get with th etimes, ya'll."  
Hanaz huffed i anger and turned away. THinking aout having to live witht his bukllshit mad ehim want to die.   
"hanzo! mcre1!! its time offor breaksfastt`!!!" yelled one of the maids.  
"ooh i fucking LOVE waffles. if ihop was a person and was hot? id fuck ihop.", mcree said.  
"well too fucking bad we're apanese and we eat japanese food for breakfasat. theres no fucking ihopo in japan bithc."  
mccree started crying cuz h elvoes ihop. he would die for ihop  
hanzo laughed mirthfully  
anyway ebfore they had breakfasat they started banging cuz idk that happens in mchanzo fics  
man i ddont even . read mchanzo idc about mhcahnzo  
anywa mcree has a 30 inch penic. hanzo could feel mcrres wiener in his smal insteine it was THAT long.   
AFTER they hd breakfst. mccree was stil upstet that there was no waffles and he had to eat miso soup and he was mad.   
but mccress a fuckig idiot nmims miso soup is GOOD hes justtoo white  
"heh....keep crying btich....theres only miso soup here foryou.....i dont even know what a fuckin waffle is", hanzo laugehed  
mcre GASPED. "YOUVE NEVER HAD A WAFFLE??///??"  
"yea..thats right..ive never had waffles.cuz i have GOOD TASTE UNLIEK SOME OTHER FUCKING COWBOY BITCH I KNOW"  
mccree ignored him, while pulling out the 1) frying pan 2_ flour and 3) mple syrup out of his bag  
"buddy, im baout to blow. your. mind"  
hanzo scoffed. a walffle could be THAT god. americans dont know hw to fu cking cook  
anyway mcrre made a really good waffle actuLLY. it was delicious and hazn owas like oohhh no ooo the wafle was actually goooooood im sooo sorry mccre can i suck your dick in apology?? n mccree wasl ike yea! thats fine  
so they fuckign sucked each others idcks. 

"wwoww..i sincrely aplogie...jesse....waffles are ctually cool and good."  
"its ok.. i know you jsut didnt realize their potential cuz you eat fish or w ahtever forvbreakstfast  
"thank uu jesse. ...i am thinakful u ha e sdf.  
np im too wasted to finish thi


End file.
